Childless Not By Choice (est. 2002)

Celtic Girl · Junior Teacup Joined: 20 Dec 2009 Posts: 30 Gender:

Hey Deba,

No offence caused - I was just a bit amazed (in a nice way) by how frank you were - as if these are my thoughts and possibly other people's but you're the only one who dared voice them! Brave lady!

I think we may well end up in counselling after I've talked to him about babies. Who knows where that will lead - it's a real can of worms!

CG x

Celtic Girl · Junior Teacup Joined: 20 Dec 2009 Posts: 30 Gender:

Hello friends,

Wow - it's been a roller-coaster of a week and I am exhausted. I finally bit the bullet and sat my DH down, and told him that God had made me a promise that I would have children. To say he was shocked was an understatement - in all fairness, given that he and I haven't discussed the matter for nearly 10 years, it's no surprise that he was bamboozled. As per my previous posts, I let my dreams die but the Lord has slowly been bringing this back to me over the last 2 years or so. It's taken me over a year to get the courage up to talk to my DH, knowing that once the can of worms was opened, that would be it. No going back.

So, 10 days ago I told him. He responded badly, sulked and huffed and didn't talk to me for 3 days. Treated it as though he was facing an execution rather than a potentially happy occasion.

He told me that, in order to keep me, he would 'have no choice but to change.' But he then confessed that he won't talk to the Lord because he doesn't WANT to be changed in an area that - as he says - he isn't interested in nor does he believe in. So, he's told me that he will 'impregnate' me but will do it unwillingly.

I just want a husband who WANTS children - not someone who says that he 'might as well kill himself' if children come & spoil his world. He just seems to think that 'doing the deed' is enough to keep me happy but I want a husband who enjoys the excitement of pregnancy with me - is that too much to ask (he seems to think it is)?

He told me that 'we might as well get on with it' but I am as uneasy about this as I am about the whole issue in general. I really want him to want this, but he doesn't and says he never will. He said he would 'have to cope' with being a father and 'will try to like the children' but this isn't the kind of language I want the father of my children using!!

He went to see our pastor, who was in complete agreement with me, but DH still can't/won't make the next step. He seems stuck. I've tried to help him get unstuck but he refuses help because that means he'll have to change.

What do I do? I don't want to be in the same position in 12 months' time, so (whether it's wise or not), I'm thinking of giving it 6 months. If I don't see a genuine and significant change in that time, I will have to rethink this whole marriage.

Incidentally, he came down very hard on adoption (totally against it), so there's no 'safety net' in the nicest possible way (I'd already thought that I'd love for us to adopt, regardless). No alternatives.

This whole thing is making me ill. I am not eating, sleeping. I've lost my appetite. I have migraines. So things can't continue. I don't want to be in this position in a year's time.

I was so upset last weekend that I attempted suicide. I took 8 pills with some alcohol but all that happened was I felt a bit groggy and sick! Typical - just my luck! No-one was any the wiser because I just carried on as normal with no apparent symptoms. I woke up the next morning with a headache and a sore tummy but that's all.

Anyone got any wisdom?

I've said enough for now. I'm so exhausted and will sign off here.

CG x

shadow · Posted: Tue Jan 19, 2010 2:54 pm Post subject:

O'h my love, what pain you must have been in to try & take your life.
You are right this situation can't go on, it is tearing you apart.

i'm not surprised you are exhausted, carrying such a burden on your own.

We are here for you, & I also wonder if there might also be someone physically near you who might offer some support. You mentioned the pastor had agreed with you when they spoke to your husband.
Might they be an option?

A huge hug. We are here for you
Shadow
_________________
Single, never pregnant
Ovary removed 2006 due to rapidly growing non cancerous tumour
3 God sons

Mum to Furbaby Shadow 17 year old cat (at rest under her favourite bush, August 2009)

New Mum to Furbaby Holly a 4 year old long haired tortoiseshell & white rescue cat (26/01/10

Sylvie · Senior Brewer Joined: 05 Jan 2010 Posts: 91 Gender:

CG, I have just caught up on this thread and want to offer you my words of support.

I think that is very important for you to not loose sight of a plan. You mentioned that you might give it 6- months. This is a really healthy and positive way of looking at the situation to help organize your thoughts at the moment. Please do not loose sight of this.

I think its also important for you to try and let go of things that have happened in the past. You made a decision to stay with your DH back then, this cannot be changed now. Please dont allow yourself to feel any self-blame and guilt about your decisions or think that your time has passed for having kids, because it hasn't. What has happened this far has happened, and its important to move on. Live in the present, and accept that you made the best decisions that you could at the time.

It might help you to focus on moving forward with the things that are most important to you now and to think about that 6 month plan. Taking children out of the equation for a minute, its really important for you to plan some positive changes in your life moving forward that will make you happy. These changes might involve children in the future, if that is what you want. Its not too late to make the changes at all. Whether these changes happen with or without your DH, time will tell.

Rather than focussing on what you may loose (as you said "a husband and never having children"), perhaps focus on what you may gain and that you are opening yourself up to the next chapter which may very well involve some new found happiness. You mentioned that you were looking at adoption which is great. Perhaps it might help if you continue to do this for yourself, get yourself informed on the process, and also become informed on all of your options. Information is power and may give you a sense of purpose throughout all of this maddess.

It is an incredibly tough situation you are faced with and its certainly not easy. I felt very sad for you when reading that you tried to take your own life. I agree with Shadow that it may be good to rally together someone who is physically near you for some support. In fact this is almost essential for your own mental health - reaching out to a friend or family member for some support.

I know it must be hard to see a way out now, but please believe that there will be a way out. You have already shown amazing strength by being brave enough to talk to him.
_________________
TTC for 5 years, no pregnancies
IVF x 4

lizzyB · Posted: Tue Jan 19, 2010 11:30 pm Post subject:

Dear Celtic Girl,

You are a Precious Child of the LIVING God!

As such - YOU are Worth so very much. As a Christian, you know what God did just for YOU!

Our jobs as Christians, are to accept both God's Love and Forgiveness. We all face times of desperation where we are not proud of our actions or words. But as you have said "God can turn our bad choices into Glory for HIM."

Paul tells us to not withhold ourselves from our spouse. I will give you scripture chapter and verse if you ask.

My point being, yes - sometimes medical issues cause impotency, but there was a time when your husband could have tried to sire a child and did not choose to.

YES - He broke a vow with you. And this vow was made before God.

I guess I am being as direct as Deba whom I love - she has such a sweet tender spirit.

I will also ask forgiveness if I offend. But my dear, my heart aches so much for you and your grief.

I totally believe you when you say part of God's plan for you is to have children. That is usually not something someone will lie about.

As for the pills and alcohol - please do not do that again. You are too important!

As I said before - You are a Precious Child of the Living God! You Matter to me, and many of the women who have also responded.

I can't say - get rid of your husband - or keep him. That is not my call or judgment.

The most important thing I can do is pray for you and tell you that God has placed you upon my heart to Love and Encourage. God would not do that unless you were important to HIM.

Know that you are important to us here at CNBC, and know that God will answer you as you have sought HIM and HIS answers about what to do.

Blessings I pray for you,

Jan (lizzyb)
_________________
Jan (50+)
Co-Author of Infertility's Anguish - A travel guide to the emotional healing we need during our journey.

Blog: www.pendancing.wordpress.com

Unexplained IF - 3 children in heaven
2 neat and funny furballs - Akiko & Crystal (shelties)
One Crazy and Lovable Husband - Dan

Celtic Girl · Junior Teacup Joined: 20 Dec 2009 Posts: 30 Gender:

Well, thank you ladies, for your care and encouragement.

It's good knowing that I'm not crazy (!) and that there are girls in a similar situation. I don't know anyone in my situation within my social circle, so it's a very very lonely place to be and I have no-one to talk to.

It's possible that DH and I will seek counselling but DH doesn't think it will change him at all. He refuses to seek God and change, so I am stuffed.

Anyway, I am still giving it 6 months of grace in order to see a significant move forward in DH's heart and attitude. After that, I'm scared....

Not much time to write more, but I will continue to encourage and talk to DH.

I will try not to see pills and alcohol as the way forward - I need prayer on this because going to sleep and never waking up seems like quite a nice option right now...

Bless you all.

CG

lizzyB · Posted: Fri Jan 22, 2010 11:41 am Post subject:

Celtic Girl,

Not only are you not crazy - I would be willing to bet that most of us have at one time or another thought - just a few pills and I will not have to worry any more about this pain.

I sure have had these thoughts, more than once or twice. And they are difficult for me to deal with.

They even sometimes return today, when I think all this is behind me.

You have my prayers.

And you honor us by trusting us with such deep personal emotions. It is very hard for me to share this deeply. Thank you for your trust.

I am impressed with your strength and willingness to give this issue 6 months of grace. Wow - Your faith humbles me. Truly! I tend towards the impatient and so I really do admire your faith. You are an example of what waiting on the Lord really means. Thank you.

Hugs and Blessings I Pray from God for you and your dh.

Jan
_________________
Jan (50+)
Co-Author of Infertility's Anguish - A travel guide to the emotional healing we need during our journey.

Blog: www.pendancing.wordpress.com

Unexplained IF - 3 children in heaven
2 neat and funny furballs - Akiko & Crystal (shelties)
One Crazy and Lovable Husband - Dan

Celtic Girl · Junior Teacup Joined: 20 Dec 2009 Posts: 30 Gender:

Hi,

This is a short one, but I desperately need prayers. I'm teetering on the precipice and have nowhere to turn. I feel cornered, as if life itself is burying me alive.

Something radical HAS to change in my situation otherwise I will go completely insane. The pills and booze are a very tempting option and seem to be my only way out.

God hasn't broken in yet - will He ever? Time is running out and this limbo is unbearable.

If anyone has any insights, let me know. Bless you all.

CG x

Joanne · Posted: Mon Feb 08, 2010 11:46 am Post subject:

CG,
Please, please just hold on and keep breathing, deeply, from your core. We are here for you, my friend. Has God broken in yet? Maybe he has with showing you this safe place to post with honest words. He does not leave you, ever. You may feel the distance from Him but He has not left you. He walks with you in this pain and cries with you. You are NOT alone!!

I understand the darkness; I have been there. Crying or Very sad

But it scared me so much that I went looking for help, this community, my counselor and seven months on anti-depressants. The meds did not take the pain away but gave me a place to deal with them. They lifted one layer of the darkness so I could see some hope and healing. I really recommend that you find a counselor for yourself asap. You also may tell your family doctor about your pain to see if they wish to recommend meds for you.

My reality of my husband changing his mind about having a child with me never changed or will it. But I had to make decisions about myself and what I wanted in my life. No one can tell you what is best for you. But I think having support is really important as you work through this process. It is not easy. But for me, after doing the work, getting the support, I have found some peace.

As Jan said, You are a Child of God!! You are very loved!!! You are very important! He will never leave you. And we too are here for you.

Please hang on . . .
Hugs,
Joanne
_________________
48-Married 11 years to Patrick (63), together for 18 years
Two stepdaughters, Kelly (33) and Katie (29)
Jessie, much loved dog
Endo and fibroids-4 laps, UFE, 2 miscarriages

Lynn · Moderator: Lynn Joined: 14 Mar 2007 Posts: 3102 Gender:

Do you remember the story of Abraham almost sacrificing Isaac?
God promised Abraham a child...and then turned around and asked him to sacrifice his only son....Abraham though it broke his heart trusted the Lord to do what he promised and was obedient to Him....God intervened.

If God has promised you a child...nothing and no one can get in the way of it.
Your faith is In Him in this...your eyes on Him...your trust in His goodness for you is in Him....
Abraham and Sarah tried to take things into their own hands and that is when Ishmael came...they didn't trust the Lord to keep the promise and went about trying to make it happen themselves.

Trust me when I say I know the deep, dark pain of wanting kids and not having them....it was something my husband and I wanted so much...still do...its very, very, very painful....and a deep loss....so I know the darkness and pain you are feeling about it...the turmoil.

In our case, it didn't happen biologically and most likely won't happen through adoption....I never was sure if God was going to give us kids or not, but had felt like He would....I know that isn't the same as you are experiencing...You feel the Lord has promised you this...in my case, I had to lay it down to the Lord over and over...and seek His face...focusing on Him and His goodness and His love for me...

You need to take this incredible pain to the Lord and cast it on Him...seek Him about what to do and ask Him to give you wisdom, strength, hope and whatever else you need...it might be every moment of the day if necessary....and your eyes need to be on Him and Him alone...

I don't mean to say you aren't doing this...but just want to encourage you to keep doing it...you believe He promised you this...its up to Him to bring it about...in His timing and His way...all that falls on you is to hold on to the Lord and seek Him for His direction and heart in this...and how to walk through this giving Him the glory...He promises to be with us in the darkest place...but its His call how He will do this...and it might not be the way we hope or expect...many times I have felt all alone in a very painful experience and can't know or feel His presence to save my life...that is when we just have to trust and lean on His word that says He is there and we can trust in His goodness to us.

I have found the darker the trial the hard the road the more I need to trust in God's goodness to me and His unfailing love...He is in the midst of this with you...let Him quiet you with His love...Let Him help you to bear this ...Let Him give you peace and surrender

lizzyB · Posted: Mon Feb 08, 2010 2:41 pm Post subject:

Hi CG,

Thank you for trusting us. I am humbled.

I do not have anything to add to what both Joanne and Lynn had to say. They are both eloquent women.

What I can say is I am praying for you for strength, wisdom to see God, and patience which comes from God.

Blessings, Love and Hugs,

Jan
_________________
Jan (50+)
Co-Author of Infertility's Anguish - A travel guide to the emotional healing we need during our journey.

Blog: www.pendancing.wordpress.com

Unexplained IF - 3 children in heaven
2 neat and funny furballs - Akiko & Crystal (shelties)
One Crazy and Lovable Husband - Dan

AuroraBea · Senior Brewer Joined: 11 Jan 2010 Posts: 110 Gender:

Celtic Girl-my heart goes out to you in the deep anguish and turmoil you are feeling. Add me to the ones here who are holding you in their thoughts and prayers.

I've found that listening to the melody and words of this song (sometimes over and over) have helped me and I hope you'll give this a listen and it will help you deal with whats going on.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=76ifTTuL4XI&feature=related
Matt Redman - You Never Let Go

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I’m caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won’t turn back
I know You are near
Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me "

2catsmom · Posted: Mon Feb 08, 2010 4:27 pm Post subject:

Dear Lord,
We come together as a community of believers to ask Your comfort, relief and peace for our beloved sister, Celtic Girl. She is terribly burdened, Lord. Please help her to turn AWAY from pills and alcohol as a false "solution". Keep her heart in Your warm, gentle hand. May she continue to reach out to You, members of her church and the folks here for support.
In Jesus, the Healer's Name,
AMEN.
_________________
"But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

alonewolf · Posted: Mon Feb 08, 2010 5:57 pm Post subject:

Today seems to be my day for wandering into forums I've never been in before.

I hope you don't mind a male perspective on your situation, but I've lived a portion of it myself on the other side of the zipper, so to speak.

I was married to a woman who very much wanted to have children, but didn't care all that much for sex. I won't go into details there except to say that it was part physical, part mental. Then one day she announced to me that there would be no more sex. That ended a 20-year marriage by killing all hope.

I am very familiar with Paul's advice. Sex is supposed to serve two purposes--procreation and intimacy. Without sex, you may have a friend or a brother or sister, but you don't have a marriage as God intended.

My first thought when I started through this thread was that guy you live with needs a good swift boot in the sit-me-down. Then I got to wondering if there was something in his family background that created his negative attitude towards having children. If so, then counselling is definitely called for. I guess I'd be cautious about counselling otherwise. A good relationship has to be formed between counselor and counselee for the counselling to be effective. If he goes in with a negative attitude towards counselling, it likely won't accomplish much.

On the subject of suicide, I am somewhat experienced in that area. First, I seriously contemplated suicide when I was 22 years old. My modus operandi was to be a pistol. I never did (obviously) and I never seriously considered it again. Second, my father committed suicide (with a pistol) when his second wife died. My mother died when I was 25; he was married to his second wife for as many years as he was to my mother.

I don't recall you mentioning whether you had any family living or not. But you probably have friends. Let me tell you that there is little if anything as devastating to someone than to have a relative or good friend commit suicide. And it doesn't get the results you really want, i.e. a child.

I know you're between a rock and a hard place. IMHO you're married to a bit of a jerk and I sympathize with you. Does he have any male friends that he might listen to? I don't ordinarily recommend discussing personal affairs with outsiders, but this isn't an ordinary situation. Does he have a trusted male friend with a child or children that you could get to talk to him? You have to be very careful with this one and be sure you both can trust the same person. You don't have to go into all the detail you have here, just tell the friend that he doesn't want to have a child and you do and ask him if he'd tell him what he's missing (the good things, of course) by not having a child. He should bring it up casually and not say you told him to do this. Maybe I'm way off base here, if so, I'm sure someone after me will tell you, and that's fine. You should always get a second opinion.
_________________
Born to be Weird.

A sense of humor is the toilet paper in the outhouse of life--it wipes away the yucky things and makes life smell better again.

Sylvie · Senior Brewer Joined: 05 Jan 2010 Posts: 91 Gender:

Hi CG
I just wanted to offer you my words and thoughts/prayers of support. There are so many wise people on this forum and I can feel their amazing strength coming through each of their posts. Hopefully you can harness some of this to give you strength also. Joanne says it perfectly in her post too - God is already with you, please believe that.

I also agree with lonewolf. I have a friend who found this helpful recently with her husband, she talked to one of his friends and it actually really helped them. I think sometimes men really benefit from this, its a way of them being able to open up to someone in a more non-threatening way. (not that you are threatening, but you know what I mean) I guess talking to another male who is their peer can really help.
take care,
s
_________________
TTC for 5 years, no pregnancies
IVF x 4