Childless Not By Choice (est. 2002)

[Sylvie]

I thought that it was probably time for a vent in this forum. My DH and I are seeing a chinese doctor at the moment (in between IVF cycles that we may or may not ever return to). So we are doing a natural cycle which kind of seems funny since clearly in 5 years nothing has happened, but we are still at the stage where we keep going!!

So for the past 3 months of being off IVF, I have still had some weird hope that I might actually conceive. As if the rollercoaster of IVF wasnt enough, I just want to keep up with the self punishment. Obviously it hasnt worked to date, and Im not sure if this month will be one of my last attempts or not (before we stop? or look at adoption). DH wants us to try donor eggs. I went on a donor egg web forum and I found it all a bit confronting. I wouldnt mind that its not my egg, I think it was just the people on the forum were a little over the top. There were the 'donors', some of whom had donated several eggs to different people (bless their souls) and the recipients - awaiting a donor, or already had a child through a donor and wanting another one etc etc. these people were all so sickly sweet - which I guess its good to be positive, but it freaked me out a little bit....I probably wasnt ready to join such a group.

So Ive been saying positive affirmations to myself every day about my "fertility!" (have to laugh a bit there) while I drive to work and eating/drinking only warm food for the past month (chinese doctor special diet!!) It actually makes me laugh sometimes - the lengths I have gone to over a 5 year period. You either laugh or cry, I guess.

What usually happens is, I get my period, then depending on my mood, I either dont see/speak with anyone for a few days and watch lots of trashy rom coms and cry at commercials, or I feel more resigned about it and distract myself by having a big drink of champagne and going out to a nice restaurant - something that people with babies CAN'T DO!

Not sure what this month will bring. Im at day 10 now, so I have at least 18 days of hopefullness before the cynicism and sadness settles back in!
The other thing keeping me going (a little bit) is that we are going to a seminar to learn more about adoption. This may never happen, but I feel that at least I am exploring another avenue and at the moment thats all I can do, exhaust all avenues.
xx
_________________
TTC for 5 years, no pregnancies
IVF x 4

[loveispatient]

You are so right - laugh or cry (or both) AND don't forget the third option - come post on CNBC.com!! (Just look at any of my posts dated for January 8th).

Once I got past the bathrobe stage of this month's cycle, I did just the kind of things you described - I made homemade garlic aioli with RAW eggs, drank red wine, contemplated sushi for dinner, stayed out late on Saturday...generally all the run of the mill stuff you can't do when you're PG.

Sometimes I get pissed off at myself (like I'm not hard enough on myself already) for not just relaxing and "enjoying" this "season of childlessness." I once briefly had the thought (I even shared it here) that if God does indeed intend for me to be a mother to my own biological child, then He would have an appointed time for that, and with each month that goes by, I am getting CLOSER to my appointed time to be a mother, not further away! I should get happier and more excited with each month that goes by, and in the meantime, just savor all the things that go along with not being pg / not being a mom (tough when I think that they are all things I would trade in half a heartbeat to be a mom). Oh my - I'll let you know how that line of thinking works out for me.

[Sylvie]

ha ha! I have had those thoughts too. We are so good at beating ourselves up, aren't we? I tried that. The 'enjoy the time' thing. One friend said to me once (and she has 4 children after accidentally getting pg the first time at 25 after being with her partner for 6 months - not really an ideal age in her eyes) "You're so lucky, Im so jealous that you get to enjoy that time of being married with no kids, and going out having fun, and getting to know each other more". I did see her point - I wouldnt have been ready at 25 either. But now Im 35 and um....yep Ive been ready for 5 years!

There is a pregnant person at my work at the moment. I have been lucky for the past 3 years of having not 1 pregnant person in my workplace. Its been a pregnant-free zone! She just got back to work yesterday after having a month off. She is about 15 weeks and already showing. Its her 3rd child and she's a couple of years younger than me. She knows about my struggles so I'm hoping she will be sensitive and not talk about it constantly in the lunchroom (dont you love it? Because its all about ME!!!). I must admit that I tossed and turned on sunday night knowing that she was coming back, since someone ran into her a week ago and said "oh she's already showing, she looks amazing!". Its kind of annoying.

I can deal with it, and I guess Im lucky to have had a pregnant-free work zone for so long. She used to be one of the people I confided in about my struggles but I have noticed that she hasn't asked me yet how things are going and I kind of hope that she doesn't. If so, I will give her a stock standard answer of "oh ok, we're taking a break from it all and will make some decisions of the next course of action in another couple of months".


I tell you what Im looking forward to is being able to start some exercise some day, and just be more inclined to be able to do things without considering the wanting to get pg thing! My chinese doctor told me to stay away from anything too heavy (except walking). Im not an exercise junky by any stretch but I wouldn't mind taking up bollywood dancing which is starting around the corner from my house. My DH and I also want to take a big OS trip. (not that we have the money, its all going on credit card - but I told him that it is one thing I desperately need if I am not pg by March/April - then we are booking). I guess I just feel like the last 5 years of my life have been on hold. There has been that whole 'what if' thing, preventing us from planning things just incase. 5 years is a long time to be in limbo. Like I also kind of want a new job, but 'just incase' has stopped me....why start somewhere new if I was to then get pg? it would be so much easier while I work here and etc, they'd let me go part time or pretty much whatever I want, materinity leave etc. I might need to start putting a timeline on it so I can just get on with my life!!! thats a scarey thought, though.
_________________
TTC for 5 years, no pregnancies
IVF x 4

[Sylvie]

I just read on another website that sometimes when women are trying to get pg they consider themselves PUPO for 2 weeks after ov which stands for "pregnant until proven otherwise" (I had to look it up).

well after all these years I can tell you that I certainly dont want to EVER consider myself PUPO as it really doesnt help when I find out Im not pg each and every month. I think its a ridiculous notion that leads to even more heartache!!

so I am going for the NPUPO, assuming I am NOT pregnant which is why I can sit here and drink a large glass of red wine and devour an entire packet of twisties while reading through the CNBC website. Sure - its probably not the healthiest option in general, but I just cant live my life assuming I might be pg all of the time and live with the disappointment each and every month. I still have about 1 week or so until AF comes and shatters my world yet again. Im preparing myself to try at least another 2 natural cycles again...maybe...Im really not sure why, except that my chinese doc wants me to. I worked out that by then I will have been seeing her for 6 months and I think thats long enough. then I need to make a choice of:
a. explore donor eggs/look for an egg donor
b. forget it for a while and go on an OS trip
c. start ivf again with own eggs
d. stop ivf and look at adoption as an option

in the meantime, I am supposed to be going back to uni this year to finish a final year of a grad dip but I just cant seem to make the decision of whether to go back. Its alot of work and I need to be ready for my stress levels to sky rocket if I go back. there is the money issue too, and time. I work full time and doing uni and fertility treatments will not work together (both financially and emotionally/physically) so I need to choose. Ive just turned 35 and although I know I am young compared to some, but I feel like time is vanishing before my eyes. There is major pressure for me to make a decision with no guarantee of any of the decisions I make resulting with a baby. If only I had a crystal ball. In some ways adoption seems like a goer - relying on someone else to produce a baby seems the most likely, as history suggests that I most likely wont manage to.

I thank God for my beautiful and amazing DH who seems so centered about things and Im so grateful that he is open to the different options out there.

oh and a new theory on my 'infertility' was put forward to me by a work friend who reads astrological charts. Apparently, because of the Cancer sign in my...something...the planet that influences family....cant remember...I might be carrying some kind of 'karmic' energy from my ancestors about not being able to conceive, and she believes that I need to pray to my ancestors and to God to appeal this karmic energy and ask to be released from it. Haven't heard this one before. made me laugh and it was very sweet of her to take the time and do her own research for me. She is a grandmother herself and one of her daughters is struggling like me. At least now I can add "astrologer" to the list of people I have consulted in my life about having children.
_________________
TTC for 5 years, no pregnancies
IVF x 4

[Ratherbe@Disneyland]

I'm a NPUPO with you! I am such a negative person that I know before it shows up negative that it is negative. I'm trying to change myself to be more optimistic, but for me it makes seeing the negative easier. It made me chuckle though.
_________________
Tami, 26
DH 29
TTC #1 Since 04/04
Diagnosed with PCOS 09/11/09
Started Met 10/07/2009
Lap scheduled 1/26/10
Proud Aunt to 17 nieces and nephews (and I love them all so much!)

[Sylvie]

thanks Tami, you are right. Its like putting ourselves through some unecessary torture if we were to embrace the PUPO!
I think AF is coming early anyway so Ive been feeling pretty pessimistic about life in general for the past day or so. I know what you mean that its hard not to be negative and we should be positive, but its called self preservation, like you said.

Im in a really low mood right now and Im feeling ultra-sensitive about it (esp since my hormones are raging and I have a stinging headache as AF is basically banging on my door asking to come in!!). Even when going down the NPUPO path it still depresses me each time. I should probably start seeing a counselor again or something. I find that being around family is particularly hard at this time in the cycle too, since Im so easily upset.
_________________
TTC for 5 years, no pregnancies
IVF x 4

[Sylvie]

AF has now made her way into my life once again leaving me with severe cramping and a very very bad mood!!!
yesterday I was reading stuff on the moon and fertility and according to alot of websites, most women are fertile when ovulating on the full moon, therefore having AF visit around the waning/dark moon.
well I am completely opposite to this so I guess that means that I am completely out of whack with mother nature! Although, I have calculated that by April I will be perfectly in sync with the moon, so what, do I now wait until April for the moon to help me get pregnant??? Oh I dont know. I doubt it. At some stage I need to make some decisions about if I will go back on ivf and put myself through the horror of it all again. I am struggling with these decisions and whether or not I am just starting to go out on some insane limb by hoping for a pregnancy that will never happen.

meanwhile Im very grumpy and sleep deprived and hating everyone who has a baby. its a public holiday today for 'australia day' and luckily Im not going to any bbq's where I have to make polite conversation with mothers and babies for once. I know hate is a strong word, but Im just very hormonal. Although not as angry as I usually am so Im wondering if the positive affirmations have been helping a bit with that.

funnily enough for the last 5 years of TTC, I havent actually been this manic. its only now that I have started to realise that the likelihood of me getting pg is slim to none, that Im doing weird things like talking to the sun and the moon - the final phases in a long and insane journey. my last hoorah. Im starting to have some horrible and weird thoughts that my youngest brother and his new wife will get pregnant soon which will really devastate me. I have two younger brothers and one of them already has two kids. I just couldnt stand it if the other one gets there before me. He's 5 years younger than me. when/if that happens I really will feel like the biggest loser ever. is that awful to think like that? I know it is....but really Im the oldest and its just not fair!!!!
_________________
TTC for 5 years, no pregnancies
IVF x 4

[Sylvie]

I woke up at 4am this morning with the dreaded realisation that I dont have a child. I was actually having a dream that I was getting my child ready for school, preparing her school uniform and her bag and lunch. I was so happy in my dream.

Then I awoke with that dreaded feeling that actually Im 35 and there is no child in my house. And I realised again that I never may have a child. At first I tried to go back to sleep, and to talk myself out of my saddness, but the overwhelming sense of dread was too strong and I let the tears flow.

I then made myself get out of bed and went to my backyard where I prayed with my hands towards the sky for God to lift this sadness away from me. I asked him to please release me from my grief so that maybe I can see some sort of light that will help me realise that there is still hope. I dont think it helps my situation to be so upset and so full of grief.

This usually happens to me about once a month. Its always 3am or 4am and I awake with this horrible realisation that I have an empty womb and no child. It is a physical sensation too - like there is just one empty hole of nothing inside me and it hurts so much.

This morning I prayed again and I asked God to let the light back into me again and to make me fertile. If I cant be fertile, then please God let me one day be a parent - somehow.

I am really struggling today. I have tears in my eyes as I am writing this. I cant handle this continual cycle of grieving that I seem to be in. I feel as though there was a child that I should have had, but that Ive missed her. In my dream it was my daughter that I was getting ready for school.

I know that it wont last forever but I feel like I am ready to somehow be released from the grief. I am not ready to accept that my life will be without children yet. I need all of the strength and resolve to move myself forward so maybe my dream can be realised. its just so hard to keep the faith.

if anyone is reading this, please pray for me. I need all of the help I can.
_________________
TTC for 5 years, no pregnancies
IVF x 4

[Ratherbe@Disneyland]

Sylvie,
HUGE HUGS! I have had dreams like that where I dream a child is placed in my arms or something, and I wake up and just sob. I don't know what to do but offer a hug and say I'm sorry....it really stinks...
_________________
Tami, 26
DH 29
TTC #1 Since 04/04
Diagnosed with PCOS 09/11/09
Started Met 10/07/2009
Lap scheduled 1/26/10
Proud Aunt to 17 nieces and nephews (and I love them all so much!)

[Sylvie]

thank you Tami, I really appreciate your support. It is awful, and I have to come to realise that its probably part of the grieving process for us all.
Hang in there.

It does help to know others experience the same, although its also awful to hear that you have to go through this too - no one should have to.
_________________
TTC for 5 years, no pregnancies
IVF x 4