Childless Not By Choice (est. 2002)

reader4234 · A Spot of Tea Joined: 16 Feb 2008 Posts: 12 Gender:

Does anyone else know what it's like when you want to have a child but you can't get married because it doesn't seem like it's going very well.

I am only 29 and YES there is still time but the reality is there is no men on the horizon and it seems like my chances are growing slimmer every year.

I am very faithful to Christianity and that prevents me from having a child by myself. I don't want to adopt as a single woman because I don't think it's fair for a child to grow up without a father.

I have posted my story but there have been no replies...

Am I the only one who feels this way?

AdminDiane · Posted: Fri Feb 22, 2008 7:10 am Post subject:

Hi!

Even though I am married now, I did feel that way. When I was 36 and single, I was facing a hysterectomy. Alone and a new Christian, I was very lonely and confused.

I agree that having a baby alone and adopting as a single woman was not God's will. Actually, I never thought of either of them. I just "knew" that being married was the only Godly plan to having a "family.

However, I did meet a man with (adult) children 2 years later. I recall praying for that very thing. God answered, and He can answer your prayer as well.

My thoughts would be to "wait upon the Lord". He will answer!

P.S. I did see there are 4 replies to your story in the "Your Story" board!
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AzimuthRing · Posted: Wed Feb 27, 2008 7:03 pm Post subject:

You are not alone! I am in a similar situation, however I am older than you are. I did not start feeling this way until about 2 years ago. I suddenly realized that I am not married, and had no children.....and it has always been my lifelong dream to have a family.

Sometimes things do not come when or how you want them. I do believe we are bound by God's will, and sometimes His will is different than what we may want.

I struggle with this constantly. Please know that you are not alone, and I will think good things for you!!

itsjustlynn · Posted: Fri Feb 29, 2008 8:05 pm Post subject:

Personally, I was never that bothered about getting married. My parents divorced when I was 2 and my sister and I lived with my father. He was a wonderful parent and did the best he could. Having 2 daughters must have been difficult but he was the best. Still is at 74.

I always thought I had all the time in the world and it would come when it's time. I'm 38 now and one bad long term relationship after another I concluded I was meant for marriage so I decided that being married wasn’t necessary to have a baby. Yes it would have been difficult but I had everything planned out (as much as you can). I had the perfect father in mind and we both agreed on the circumstances. We tried and tried and I got tested only to find out it wasn’t possible for me. I was heartbroken to say the least. I only found out 8 months ago and it’s still so fresh and painful. I wanted to adopt as it’s the true gift of love but it’s incredibly expensive and very complicated. Something I’m not able to afford as well as the cost of raising a child.

I am trying to come to terms with it and list all the good things of being single and childless.

Here is what I have come up with so far:

• I don’t argue with anyone at home
• I don’t have to save money for a college education
• I won’t have as many stretch marks
• I don’t have to pay for a babysitter
• My house doesn’t have to be child-proofed
• I can have a glass of wine and not worry
• I can spend too much on a pair of shoes without feeling guilty (I did tonight they are fabulous!! I'm worth it)
• I don’t have to worry about breast milk, sleep, routines, education, health, if the husband is getting enough attention, the finances, the safety of the car / car seat / furniture / food / high chair / toys / tv programs / computer / behaviour / school activities etc etc etc ….

Within a few days of finding out I wasn’t able to conceive, I was at home depressed and I saw an episode of Friends. The one where Phoebe was pregnant with her brother’s triplets and Monica and Rachel were giving her a baby shower but adjusted the present to suit her as she wasn’t going to need the baby clothes etc as she was giving away the babies to her brother. They gave her a bottle of Vodka and leather pants. Oddly enough I felt better and it told me to look at the positives. It’s the most difficult thing to do but it helps. Who knew a sitcom would help me.

No matter what is your prominent pain of loss, you have to look at the positives and if it helps make a list to remind you of them. It doesn’t matter if they are silly, they are never silly if they help you get through the day. I have big ups and downs but so far this is the only thing that helps. My list changes all the time and the silly things are the ones that keep me smiling.

Good luck and stay positive and smile, your destiny will come.
Lynn

reader4234 · A Spot of Tea Joined: 16 Feb 2008 Posts: 12 Gender:

Hi lynn,
I'm sorry but i didn't quite understand your story.

You tried with your husband to conceive, or by yourself?

Thanks for the story!!

itsjustlynn · Posted: Sat Mar 01, 2008 11:52 am Post subject:

I tried to conceive with my partner when we both lived in the UK. I now live in Canada and he lives in Europe.

I never felt like marriage was in the cards for me, I'm ok with that but I wanted to have children with the right man. I stayed in relationships that may not have been right in the hopes they changed, they didn't, they only got worse. I met my current partner (who is in Europe) at 35 and we talked about having a child together in great detail. Afterlengthy discussions we decided to go for it. He is a wonderful man who respects my independence and I respect and love him. The irony was I lived my life trying to find the right man and situation to have a child with while avoiding divorce, separation and all those painful situations that happen. I finally had it all planned with the right person and I find out I can't have children. Heartbreaking.

I am trying to come to terms with is all. I am trying to look at the positives for not having one of my dreams. Instead of focusing on the negatives I am trying to build some positives where other dreams can come true.

You are definitely not alone. Trust your instincts and be true to yourself, listen to your inner voice and keep reaching for the stars. You have a family of support here to listen and use as a sounding board.

pearlstar · Posted: Sun Mar 02, 2008 7:37 pm Post subject:

my ex-husband and i tried to have a child for almost 10 years. then we got divorced. and now i'm dating a wonderful man, but i will never marry again. i don't think he'll ever marry anyway. and that's fine with me. it's just a dream of mine that i have to put behind me now. it's tough, but as i'm growing older, it's becoming more and more of a pipedream. i realize it won't be a reality, and that's helping a bit.

but it's hard, i know.

((hugs))
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darkeyes · Posted: Fri Jan 22, 2010 11:47 am Post subject:

darkeyes · Posted: Fri Jan 22, 2010 11:47 am Post subject:

Katia · Posted: Sat Jan 23, 2010 10:14 pm Post subject:

I love your list, Lynn! Do we have a thread for that?

And yes, I understand coming from the Christian perspective of marriage and family; I can't adopt as a single woman (although I could see it if the child were a family member, which is extremely unlikely) and I can't undergo most fertility treatments even I weren't single. I do think that being single is a good excuse for people not asking you about children. The married-but-childless women, by choice or not, have to endure endless rounds of baby questions.

Being single does not mean that we're selfish or that we have endless time! God simply has not called us to be wives or mothers, at least not yet or not conventionally. He has plans for all of us. I think that personally, He has given me just about everything else, so perhaps having to wait for or be denied a husband and children is the cross that He has given me.

singanewsong · Awesome Tea Lover Joined: 16 Jan 2006 Posts: 365 Gender:

Thanks for your list, Itsjustlynn. I've been on both sides, and it's good to see those blessings.