Childless Not By Choice (est. 2002)

[Tate71]

It's been a LONG time since I've posted-- such a busy year.

But... I've found a need again, so here I am. Only this time, I'm in a new room.

During my infertility treatments, my husband was-- detached. At one point, he said he had faith that we'd have kids, and that he was mostly supporting me during the treatments because he knew I needed to feel like I could do something about it. But, he didn't think it would be the thing that would work. He never cried. He never mourned. And, at times, he would tell me to pull myself together. Then, it made me angry. He seemed so insensitive to my feelings, and I often wondered if he really wanted kids.

Since then, I've moved beyond that anger. Many, many, many things have transpired, and I came to understand that we are not only different people who feel differently and at different rates, but that that is actually okay.

Fast forward to this week-- three years after our last failed attempt:

He called me from school, reporting that he left early in hysterical tears.

In the eight years I've known him, I've not only NEVER seen him cry, I happen to know that he hasn't. He reports not crying even when his grandfather died ten years ago, although he admitted to "nearly" crying. But here he was, in tears-- and nearly inconsolable.

He was sad. Angry at God for putting me through childlessness. Desperate for children. He was worried that it would never happen.

The catalysts appeared to be Thanksgiving (when we sat while the family oooh'd and aaaah'd over his niece and nephew) and a lecture at school about the female reproductive system.

On one hand, I'm thrilled that he is feeling this now. I'm thrilled that he understands, by experience, how I have felt. I'm glad it isn't all shoved deep down.

On the other, I'm totally frightened. It's not that I want him to be strong all of the time. Nor is it that I think he shouldn't cry. To the contrary, I wish he had been able to years ago. I'm scared because I don't know how to help him, and I don't really know that he'll stop himself from spinning out of control emotionally.

On Saturday, the bill for cryopreservation came. It comes every year, and I let him know, and pay the bill. While he's in school, we simply aren't trying; we're doing one thing at a time. He never really says anything, or asks anything about the bill or our next steps. This time, he intercepted the mail, and hid it from me so that I could enjoy the weekend hunting for a Christmas tree with my family without the shadow of infertility. He was trying to protect me from it.

So, here I am-- in the guy's section of this site. And I'm just wondering what has helped each of you?

I did invite him to the site. I wonder if he'll come. He knows it's been a blessing to me, and that we donate to support the work of the good folks here. I hope he does.
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Stacy

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"Two are better than one because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls, for he has no one to help lift him up." ~Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

[Seeker]

You are observing normal male coping mechanisms.

But he finally broke through - the solution hasn't come, and now he thinks it might not.
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Dan & Jan (50+) --- Author of Infertility's Anguish, The Blacksmith's Gift & An Orphan's Promise
Unexplained IF - 3 children in heaven...
Treasure your children... love them with care... The world would be different... if they were not there... The Blacksmith's Gift
Love to my departed doggy daughter Akiko
Love to my still loving sheltie Crystal

[Lynn]

Oh, how I could relate to this...although I have always known Bob cared about being a dad...its been more recent that he has verbalized the deep pain of it and how hard it is for him to be around others when they talk about their kids and this and that.

I think its so important for us to support each other and be open.
You are so good at expressing your feelings...it is a mixed bag...but I do think that whatever the scope of the feelings and where it takes your hubby you both will handle it...and be there for each other and that is what matters in this.

[Tate71]

Thanks for taking the time to post. It's all part of the process, I suppose. I just want to be able to be as supportive as him as he has been of me over the last few years.
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Stacy

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"Two are better than one because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls, for he has no one to help lift him up." ~Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

[Leslie]

Hi Stacy,

Your husband is simply exhausted -tired of giving to emotion that is not giving anything in return. No human being could give all and not receive in return. I can relate to your husband's 'breakdown' as I have been there (but for different reasons). I have screamed and fought with Him, asking "Why?" "Why?"

Now somehow this childless journey is starting to make more sense to me now more than ever. There are so many every day practical reasons as to how parenting would overwhelm me. I would only would have children in a committed, loving marriage.

Sometimes I feel like I would more lost in this world if I had a child. I wouldn't know God at this point and his ways.

Yes. I still have dreams of being in the hospital, giving birth, and holding that first child. Sometimes I become quitely emotional after hearing of someone's pending pregnancy. There are other childless women I have met that I have taught me greater lessons on how to enjoy life in being childless.

Would I love to be a mom? Yes - you betcha. Sometimes I see little boys and I think they could be a son. I would love to have a son. Now at this point in my life (or any really), I don't see it as a possibility. There are times I am thankful - the whining at department stores, the crying, the fussing, etc. It is not all happy -happy - joy - joy.

Here's a relevation: Gaining childlessness will not become the biggest loss in my life. Rather, losing my relationship with God and Christ IS. It is truly every thing. I will be forever thankful to him that day at the lake where He told me "NO".

It is almost like you two are the midst of the true definition of insanity: doing the same things over and over and over again, expecting different results. Or simply - beating your head against a wall so much that you don't even feel the pain any more until you sit down and relax. Then the pain comes throbbing back. You are both very sane because you fell every bit of the pain that comes with trying to conceive. As a pointed analogy, a car can only run so long without gasoline.

That day at the lake where I met Mindy brought back all that emotion that I thought was thrown away or had 'died'. I think the amazing part about this situation is that the emotion was still carrying me there to that point with God until He made peace with me and the situation.

Certainly, it is a difficult decision in whether to parent a child. I could give many suggestions as to how to embrace the possibilities of parenting (babysitting, surrogate pregnancy, adoption), but in the end you and your husband know what your needs are. God may be speaking to you strongly if His voice is to lead you both in a new direction.

I think this situation begs to a crucial discussion you and your husband must have before considering parenthood. With just as much emotion it takes to parent a child, is the same for letting go of a dream of being a parent.

God will lead you and your husband to the place He intends for you to be. I hope that in time that your hearts remain less bitter, longing and seek comfort in His guidance.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.
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"Love is never more humbling than when it leaves".

[Tate71]

Thank you for sharing and taking the time to make suggestions. I had a good chuckle after reading your definition of insanity, and the following paragraph. Sometimes that seems so true.

I guess this is just the next new phase in the process.

Thank you for your prayers, too.
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Stacy

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"Two are better than one because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls, for he has no one to help lift him up." ~Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

[loveispatient]

I do hope that any men reading this will realize how valuable it can be to share their emotions and feelings with their partners. I know my husband has tried to "protect" me from other people's pregnancies and children and to be strong when I am upset (strange, given that he's the one unwilling to TTC), but I feel much more connected to him when he does break down and share his tears and fears with me.

Despite evidence to the contrary, we ladies are not fragile flowers incapable of providing emotional support even when we ourselves are emotional. I'd far rather have my husband share the challenges with me, rather than leaving me to feel that I am completely alone in my grief and sadness, while he goes about his life unaffected.

[alonewolf]